Do you tell lies?
Wait! Don’t answer yet.
Let me tell you a joke and share a statistic with you first.
This guy goes to meet his father-in-law-to-be:
Guy: “I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t chase women.”
FIL: “Don’t you have any vices at all?”
Guy’s friend (who has tagged along): “None sir. He only lies!“
Did you know that a statistical survey revealed that 97.6% of people said they had lied in their business lives?
No?
I’m not surprised. Coz that statistic was a lie. I just made it up!
Lies, Damned Lies & Statistics, right?
Look, I know you tell lies. Like me. Yes, I lie too (gasp!)
And if you said, “No, I don’t lie - ever!”… well, welcome to the club!
After following a long-winded debate on a forum about whether or not ‘Our Servers Crashed’ stories during a product launch are a lie or not, I was tempted to think a bit deeper about lying - and what lies behind it.
I’ve categorized lies into several groups:
Compassion as lies:
His father lies seriously ill in intensive care. The doctor comes out and tells the worried son: “He’s in the best hands. We’ll take good care of him.”
The son asks: “But doctor, will he be ok? He’s going to come out of this fine, right?”
“Yes, yes, we’ll talk about it later,” doctor replies. “I’ve got to go back in.”
Doctor lied.
Not to hurt the son - but to shield him from more pain… at least for the moment.
Hope as lies:
When I talk to a child’s mother before heart surgery, I give her hope - and say, confidently, “Don’t worry, your child will be just fine!”
It’s not that either of us is unaware of the harsh reality of the danger to her child’s life - it’s just that we’re both cloaking it under a softer blanket of hope… and telling lies.
Ignorance as lies:
Sometimes, you just don’t know the truth.
Who shot John F.Kennedy? Is there a Loch Ness monster? What happens in the Bermuda triangle?
And there are lesser mysteries.
But to expose that ignorance is anathema to some - who take refuge in lies. With repetition, those lies become stronger, carry the ring of ‘truth’.
Opinion as lies:
When stated strongly, loudly, repeatedly, lies sometimes take on the mantle of ‘truth’.
Look at this discussion. Can you spot the two camps on the issue of “Do launch servers really crash?”
Obviously, neither side KNOWS what happened - yet opinions are stated with such panache and confidence, it’s hard to know where fact and knowledge end, and spin begins!
Which side is lying?
Are both?
All these forms of lying are, more or less, ‘positive’ (or at least, not ‘negative’). You might call them ‘white lies’.
And then, there is the darker variety - of BLACK lies.
Protective lies
Remember the (in)famous: “I did not have sex with that woman!” quote by a famous U.S. President?
And then there’s the more garden variety lie, when your children toy with the truth to avoid the pain of punishment, or criminals lie to protect their ilk.
Deceptive lies
These are spread to avoid discovery of the facts.
On a large scale, think of the $700 billion bailout mess, where transparency is opaque, ‘truth’ is unreal, and facts are manufactured or spun out anew every day.
Or on a smaller level, the promise in your email inbox to grow your private parts instantly, or stuff your bank account with cash, or grow 10 years younger in your sleep.
Manipulative lies
The kind of lies that are intended to make people respond, behave or think in a certain way is the sort that mass media specializes in.
Votes are won and elections are lost on their basis. Decisions are forced - and regretted - because of them.
Malicious lies
“He did it - not me, teacher” is one kind common in primary school classrooms - where blame is shifted to some other innocent, for one’s own mistakes.
Amplified and magnified, refined and made more subtle, these childish lies make their way into adult situations - with far bigger, far more deadly consequences.
So, what’s a ‘GOOD’ lie?
By ‘good’, I’m not talking about the intention behind it - but about that most pervasive form of lying that masquerades as the ‘truth’… and gets accepted as such by many, if not most people exposed to it!
- A ‘good’ lie cannot be disproved
- A ‘good’ lie is rooted in truth, embraces some elements of it - and then diverges
- A ‘good’ lie is plausible, is easy for others to believe
- A ‘good’ lie is congruent with world-views, points of view that its audience have already adopted (and that are practically impossible to change, even alter)
- A ‘good’ lie is ‘endorsed’ by someone trustworthy, a person with integrity - who may be endorsing it out of ignorance, opinion or even compassion
In other words, a ‘good’ lie is practically IMPOSSIBLE to spot!
So what to do? How to know if someone is lying?
I don’t know.
But I’ll answer this with another question: “Why does it matter - to YOU?”
If it does, then proceed on the assumption that what you don’t know (in and of your own knowledge) is a lie… and decide on that basis.
This frees you up from the need to rely on someone or something to tell you what’s right, what to do, what choices to make.
And, in reality, you already KNOW what’s right!
Feel free to follow YOUR truth.
Because - and I’ll end with my favorite philosophical nugget:
“What YOU Believe Is YOUR Truth!”
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5 Comments Received
October 24th, 2008 @9:27 am
Mani, this post is so disingenuous. You only made it to get people to see Twitter profit.
There’s nothing even remotely controversial about you and all the people bickering over whether “server crashes” are real or not are morons — morons who have no place to go and nothing good to do.
Forget the server crash, the fact that anyone was promoting that product in the first place is the REAL travesty in all this stupid mess.
Congrats on getting people here. But it’s not as clever as you think.
October 24th, 2008 @9:35 am
Brilliant stuff, Mani. But you’re clearly lying :p
October 24th, 2008 @9:47 am
You want me to lie about it, Sam?
Of COURSE I didn’t intend for ANYONE to do that.
See, now Mark’s right. I’m clearly lying!
All success
Dr.Mani
October 24th, 2008 @3:56 pm
*head shaking* Not sure.
To some degree or another we’re all liars? There are “good” lies and ultimately we should just go with our own “truth?” This is one to ponder. Not sure how to decipher the lies marketers tell.
These categories are helpful to help a reader to “feel” better about the quality, intentions of the lies we tell.
As I read, I felt old feelings of something…this is what it was…
My Mom certainly needed a hopeful lie when she asked the physical therapist if she would improve…after a stroke that took away her most of her mobility. She didn’t get the response she needed. I kid you not, it’s my belief that she gave up that day. I saw it in her eyes and shoulders. She died that night. I’ve been thinking of having a conversation with hospital administrators.
See how far reaching the impact one post can have? Blogging is powerful. You’re wonderful.
All the best,
@JuletteMillien
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October 27th, 2008 @4:36 am
Guess what, Dr. Mani! That didn’t leave me confused, annoyed, or thinking that you just wanted something to talk about. I thought you did some deep thinking here. Actually, at my age, it isn’t so difficult to recognize a lie when I hear it, especially if I can have some body language to go with it. What I DON’T like is more the guys that try to trick us into “checking something out” and to find when we get there all they want is money. Or trying to get us to participate in something where NOBODY wins. If I trust someone I can be succered in. But it takes a lot to build that kind of trust. I don’t mind being lied to - it’s up to me to recognize it when it hits. But attempt at manipulation gets to me.
I enjoyed your article. I printed it and plan to use it for the kids. Thanks!!!
Your friend from afar!
Mary
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