Today’s big news story in Indian media was the state of Emergency declared in Pakistan.

This quote from the news report seemed apt to what I’m about to share -

“It comes down to one issue, said Ashok Mehta: control of Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal. If extremist forces were to take power in Islamabad, or the country was to descend into chaos, those nuclear-tipped missiles could lead to a South Asian nightmare.”

Here’s the copy of a letter I wrote to the editor of India’s biggest national daily in 1998… I don’t think it ever got published, though - wonder why!

“The Nuke and I - an Indian’s perspective”

Yesterday was “mental stock-taking” day. Here’s how it went.

“I am Indian. I am a doctor, a surgeon. I love my fellow human beings. I abhor violence and hatred. I’m compassionate and humane. I dread war. I am proud of my country’s nuclear policy.”

I stopped suddenly.

“Proud? Are you sure?”

“Sure I’m sure.”

“But why?”

“Hmm. That needs some thinking.”

Now, could it be because we fooled those Yankees out and out. For all their multi-million dollar, satellite-based surveillance, they didn’t have an inkling that we could test a nuke. Sure fooled them, didn’t we?

And then there were the newspaper headlines.

“Indian nuclear tests signal entry into the exclusive club”

Its like joining the X club, right?

Again, we’ve been eating crow for almost twenty five years now. Nobody believed we could do it. The subtle snubs, the gentle sarcasm, the general disbelief, was getting to us. Now no one will laugh at us! No, sirree.

Oh, I almost forgot. It is a remarkable academic achievement, and showcases our scientist’s capabilities and intelligence. But then, we’ve known that for over two decades, ever since our first nuclear test in 1974 - the “peaceful” one, remember? Now the rest of the world knows.

And last, but not least, I can now spend my nights in peace, secure in the knowledge that Pakistan and China can’t bomb me in my sleep. Why not? Gosh, because we’ll nuke them right back, that’s why!

Oh really? You’ll NUKE them? Sure proud of that, aren’t you?

Oops! I can’t believe I’ve been blind to it until now. Suddenly, I’m awakening to the fact that we have in our hands - or will pretty soon - a weapon capable of mass destruction on a mind-boggling scale.

Horror stories of Hiroshima and Nagasaki flash across my mind. Reading about nuclear fission and fusion in high school was fascinating. The concept of neutrons bombarding atomic nuclei to release enormous amounts of energy was thrilling and awesome. Imagine how such a power source could be tapped to benefit humanity.

And then the downer. World history. World War 2. Japan. Enola Gay. Fat Man. The giant mushroom. Entire cities wiped out; landscapes devastated; populations decimated. Women and children too. Age no bar; caste no protection.

Today, I hold in my hand an instrument of equal, if not greater, potential. And I’m proud of it?

Nuclear fallout. The dirtiest words in the language. Future generations are affected too. Abortion. Birth defects. Cancer. Almost daily I cut out cancerous tissue from some suffering person’s belly - cancer caused by radiation, by nuclear fallout. I’m scared of cancer. But I’m not scared of conducting nuclear tests? Instead, I’m proud of it?

International sanctions have been imposed on India for carrying out these tests. How do I react to it ? With a breezy:

“We’ll face any sanctions. No problem. After all, over 90% of people polled were in favor of testing”

Feelings, emotions, attitudes are rooted in the past. To understand the average Indian’s reaction to these tests, it must be remembered that his is a country that has been raped and pillaged time after time over centuries - by Greeks and Persians, by Mughals and Mongols, and for over two hundred years by British colonialists. The Indian psyche is rooted in repression and subservience - and at its first chance, it rebels gloriously.

And the people of India now have a credible nuclear deterrent.

Ah! Deterrent. A great word. Has a nice ring to it. Ask the man on the street why we need a nuke. Chances are he’ll reply:

“We need it to defend ourselves from aggressive neighbours. It shows we are powerful”

But what if you are forced to use it ?

“Oh, it won’t ever come to that!”

Won’t it? EVER? What if …..

My wife asks me, “What would you do then if some other country attacks us, kills our fellow countrymen?”

Killing them right back, nuking them in return, is alright?

It won’t come to that. India has no aggressive intentions. Why, we’ve even agreed to rethink our stand on the CTBT and fissile materials treaty. That proves that India is serious about global nuclear disarmament - or should.

Today, every Indian - and that includes me - is floating on cloud nine. I’m not thinking of the unpleasant consequences of being a nuclear power nation, just basking in the glow of possessing a powerful weapon called the atom bomb.

The euphoria will certainly end. And then, perhaps I’ll be forced to face the ugly fact that I have, as the New York Times so eloquently put it, “helped to make the world a more dangerous place than it was before”.

But maybe I should stop thinking like that now. Maybe I should just join the party, chant along with the thronging crowd the mantra of self-congratulation, exult in my country’s new found self-esteem and strength. So be it.

But suddenly I am no longer proud of it.

Just a little sad.